Monster HGH offense takes Flowbee to rival Mullets

By Geno Petralli
Softball Times

ABILENE — The 1927 Yankees. The 1989 Oakland A’s. The 2008 Texas Rangers. All three are considered among the greatest offensive juggernauts since bat first made contact with ball in the late 19th century.

Well, step aside, boys. Daddy’s home.

Propeled by the most dazzling use of a stick since Harry Potter at the Hogwarts Senior Prom, HGH mercilessly scalped the Mullets from Clyde United Methodist by a 22-10 score on Monday night. It was the Syringes’ second consecutive game with 20 runs or more, and it pushed HGH’s winning streak to eight games since their deplorable 0-2 start.

Now a championship is within reach. HGH’s victory, coupled with Hillcrest’s 25-11 loss to those same Mullets in Monday’s late action,  gives the Syringes (8-2) a 1 1/2-game lead over the second-place Hilltoppers (6-3) and reduces HGH’s magic number to 1. And all of this has come from a team that managed only 10 miserable hits in its season-opening 13-10 loss to UBC Blue.

“After that piss-poor start of ours, a lot of people asked, ‘Can this team turn it around?’ Well, to borrow a phrase from that great American, Bob The Builder, ‘YES WE CAN!’” HGH coach Nathan Sanders said while reading from a small dry-erase board that he referred to as his teleprompter. “After those losses, I told this group of guys that it was time for change. Eight years of failed policies by the previous manager had to be fixed. There needed to be a redistribution of softball wealth in this league, and we were the ones to do it. God bless you, and may God bless the United States Slow-Pitch Softball Association.”

With that, Sanders muttered “I am Nathan Sanders, and I approve this message,” then trimphantly walked away hand-in-hand with his three wives and seven children for the long drive back to Eldorado.

Whatever Sanders has done to this team, it’s working. Against Clyde, the Syringes set new season-highs in runs scored (22) and RBI (22) and tied their season-high with 25 hits while improving to a perfect 5-0 on the road this fall. And after dropping their first-ever meeting with Clyde in the spring season, the Syringes have since won four consecutive over their rural rivals.

“That right thar’s a good ol’ teem,” said Mullets manager Cletus Stengel, who saw yet another stirring pre-game pep talk go to waste. “I kep’ tellin’ the fellers, ‘HIT YE CUTOUF!’, but there weren’t nottin’ we could do ’bout them hittin’ that bawl like ‘at. I tried to hit one maself, but I jus’ missed that bawl by a qawter-eench. Guess we jus’ got ta go back to watchin’ NASCAR and makin’ our own jerky outta the critters we hit wit’ our trucks.”

HGH made roadkill out of the Mullets with a 13-run third inning that transformed a competitive 8-7 game into a 21-7 joke. The Syringes opened the inning with 10 consecutive hits and sent 17 batters to the plate. It continues a season-long trend by HGH, who has now scored 57 runs in the third inning this season — almost as many as they have scored in the first and second innings combined (58).

“It’s quite simple, really,” explained team data expert and outfielder Kevin Campbell. “You see, since we send an average of 5.278 hitters to the plate each inning, then the third inning would be when the lineup gets to process the opposing pitcher’s repertoire for the second time. And since familiarity is directly proportional to batting success, the ensuing rise in production is virtually assured. Or it could simply be another example of Chaos Theory, like when Jeff Goldblum let that water droplet fall from his hand in Jurassic Park. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting at ACU with someone more important than you.”

One cause of the increased production would be Campbell himself, who continued his Josh Hamilton-like resurgence with a 4-for-4 night. With seven hits in his past eight at-bats, Campbell has raised his average by a staggering 162 points from a has-this-guy-ever-swung-a-bat-before .286 to a mildly respectable .448.

But without question, the story of the night was pitcher Jonathan “Pops” Sharp, who finally looked like his old self after battling a severe bout of RickAnkielitis. The crafty veteran righthander struck out two and limited the Mullets to just three runs in the final three innings — all coming on a fifth-inning three-run home run that was about as meaningless as John McCain winning South Dakota. Then just for extra measure, he went 4-for-4 at the plate with four RBI.

“It feels great to be back on track,” Sharp said. “It has been a stressful month, what with us adding these new Domino’s sub sandwiches to our menu and with Papa John’s now giving away free crack with every large two-topping. I finally found a way to just block all of that out and throw strikes. I’m just so grateful to Coach for sticking with me. I was looking worse than Barry Zito out there the last few weeks.”

There were other success stories. Third baseman David Pittman gutted out Monday’s game despite undergoing a bowel-cleansing treatment beforehand that had him imitating Jeff Daniels in Dumb & Dumber in the Nelson Park facilities. He finished 2-for-4 with 2 RBI. Young outfielder Blaine Martin, still on a high after going on his first date ever earlier that evening, rode that wave of emotion to a 3-for-4 night with two doubles. And then came second baseman Garrett Sublette, who set a new ASSA record by flying out to four different positions in his four at-bats.

However, take out Sublette (something Sanders was tempted to do after his second at-bat), and the HGH offense was rolling at an unprecedented pace. Every Syringe hitter (except Sublette) had a hit, every player (except Sublette) scored a run and every hitter (except Sublette) had an RBI. Plus, the bottom five hitters in the lineup went a combined 13-for-18 (.722) with 10 RBI.

The 2-liter bottles of 7UP will be on ice in the dugout this Monday as HGH looks to put an “x-” next to their name in the standings in their third and final meeting with the Hillcrest Hilltoppers, who also play Light For The World an hour before. Any combination of one HGH win and one Hillcrest loss, and it’s celebration time.

“I can’t wait,” a grimacing Pittman said while sitting with his legs crossed in the winning dugout. “I’d trade my first-born son for a championship. Actually, let me get back to you on that. Gotta run it by ‘The Boss’ first.”