By Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh
Softball Times
ABILENE — Monday night’s well-publicized “Clash of CoCs” turned out to be as one-sided as Joshua vs. Jericho’s walls as HGH relied on stellar pitching, explosive hitting and a solid team prayer by Eric Goff to wipe out Westgate 18-2. The game lasted only five innings due to the “please have mercy on us HGH” rule.
“Clearly, we are God’s chosen people,” said utility man/team chaplain Derran Reese. “It says so right there in the Bible … I think. Maybe somewhere towards the back. I haven’t actually read the book.”
The Fightin’ Syringes (2-0) practically turned an undermanned Westgate squad into pillars of salt by sending 13 men to the plate in an eight-run fourth inning that turned a 7-0 game into a 15-0 laugher.
But perhaps an even bigger story was the pitching mastery of crafty veteran hurler Jonathan Sharp, who pitched 4 2/3 innings of shutout softball and ended the game by effortlessly snagging a screaming line drive that might have killed a lesser man. Sharp improved to 2-0 on the season and is 1-0 when pitching on six days rest.*
“I felt good about throwing Sharp out there today,” HGH coach Nathan Sanders said proudly. “Billy Beane called this week and pointed out that Westgate was only hitting .098 in 9:30 p.m. games against right-handed pizza magnates whose last name begins with S. You can look it up.”
Monday’s game also marked the debut of HGH franchise player Brandon Stover, a former ACU All-American both in baseball and in floor exercise. Stover lived up to his advance billing, going 4-for-4 with 4 RBI and playing a near-perfect game at shortstop. On the bright side, however, his one errant throw to first did manage to rip James Mayo’s pants.
“It really helps having your wife as the official scorer,” Stover admitted. “She just needs to work on her high-fives.”
However, the first home run of the season came off the bat of left fielder David Pittman, who followed it up in his next at-bat with a flyout to deep first base.
“I just want to give all the credit to ACU,” Pittman said while passing out school flyers in the stands afterwards. “It’s such a great place to be. And anytime is a great time to visit the campus. I could go up there and show you around right now if you like.”
After the game, the team was stunned when Coach Sanders revealed that he will miss next week’s game to embark upon a search for the dirty no-good scoundrel who stole his glove and … oh, wait. There it is.
Under the leadership of assistant coach Greg Kendall-Ball, the HGHers will try to improve to 3-0 in 9:30 p.m. games next week at home against Zion Lutheran.
*–six days rest joke attributed to HGH assistant coach Greg Kendall-Ball.
